My worst enemy

I have an enemy, and that enemy has been kicking my butt recently….and it’s not the enemy you might be thinking of….it’s COMPARISON.  

I’ve been watching more TV recently due to the current situation, and I made a startling and disturbing observation about myself as I was watching last night.  A lovely commercial came on, which I’m sure was designed to encourage and bolster us all.  I’m not even sure which company sponsored the commercial, but it shows a variety of folks who are all “handling” this quarantine situation with “creativity”.  As I sat there watching the commercial I realized that instead of feeling encouraged by the commercial, my thoughts were on how I wasn’t doing the quarantine “right”.  My family is not doing “creative” things during this time, we are not spending hours playing board games or having meaningful conversations, we are not developing new skills or talents, or creating beautiful art.  We are getting through today to tomorrow the best we know how….and while I know that we are doing the best we can, I still felt like it wasn’t “enough.”  

That realization, of the constant struggle to be, do, and have enough, is the product of an energy that has become my enemy.  The constant comparison of everything about my life….what I look like, how I feel, what kind of parent I am, what I have accomplished in life….to some “standard”  has become exhausting, and unbearable.  I woke up early this morning with this feeling of discontent and unhappiness and I was able to trace it to this issue of comparison, and what this enemy is stealing from me.  

This morning I sat and did some hard thinking about the issue of “comparison” and whether it was actually a positive or a negative concept.  I came to the conclusion that there is a significant difference between “comparison” and “measurement”.  I think that comparison is when we look at ourselves in relation to someone or something else, to see how we stack up against them or the “standard”;  whereas measurement is when we look at ourselves in relation to how we are doing on a goal or endeavor that we have set out on.  Maybe it’s best if I illustrate how I’m thinking about this….  If I look at the commercial with the all the people doing “creative” things and I list all the ways that I am not meeting that “image” or “standard” (and all the reasons that I’m somehow “defective”)  then I am comparing myself to that image, standard, or other person.  If instead, the commercial triggers me to think about how I am doing on a goal I set for myself, then I am measuring.  

I’m not really sure where I got this notion that I have to do better, be better…how did I twist up the idea that I can never be content, that in order to “grow” I have to be discontent with who I am……  Well, that’s not exactly true….I do have an idea of where this culture of comparison comes from.  There is a multi-billion dollar industry that has the goal of convincing me that something in my life is not right and needs to be changed, and that there are products and services available to make just the change necessary, so that I will “measure up”.   

I have nothing against that multi-billion dollar industry, and nothing against salespeople, and nothing against companies who provide products and services that make things in our lives easier or more enjoyable.  I’m not railing against any of that…..in fact, I am a huge advocate of personal growth and have worked with people for many years on how to incorporate continuous personal growth into their lives.  This isn’t about anything or anyone else, because the problem isn’t anywhere else….it’s in my attitude toward ME.  

So how do I unravel this knot?  How do I get to a place of contentment with who and where I am that doesn’t battle with healthy personal growth?  What tools do I have to help myself navigate all of this? 

 The first tool I thought of today as I wrestled with this issue is gratitude.  I think gratitude is the antidote to comparison.  Comparison is the position and mindset focused on calling out deficiencies, either mine or someone else’s.  I can play the comparison game with other people’s behavior as well as my own, which does much to tear down and destroy people and relationships.  (I’m not proud to admit that I am a professional “judger”…..I can “judge” with the best of them, and it is an area that I’ve been working on for quite some time.)  When I play the comparison game where I compare myself to someone else and decide that my result/situation is “better” than theirs, I can quickly get to a place of pride and arrogance, and neither of those character traits does much to improve my situation (or anyone else’s either).  

On the other hand, gratitude is focused on recognizing and calling out blessings. When I am grateful for my blessings, the existence or quantity of someone else’s blessings does nothing to diminish mine.  In the face of the temptation to compare myself to someone else, the very best thing that I can do is remember how very blessed I really am.  It takes the bite right out of the comparison and completely changes the focus.  

Honest inventory is another weapon against the discontentment of comparison.  When I honestly look at my actions and motives and measure them against my own standards to determine how I’m doing, then I have the possibility to grow.  When I discover positive things about someone else through interaction I can learn new things, but ONLY when I stop comparing myself and just observe/learn/assimilate.   There really isn’t any place for the judgment that accompanies comparison in this type of work…it just causes me to lose my focus on what is, and instead focus on what isn’t…. and I’ve found there’s not much growth that takes place when my focus shifts in that way.  

What I believe is that this is an important battle, this battle against the enemy of comparison.  I need to bring my best weapons because this is a fight I can’t afford to lose.  It’s messy, but when I get it figured out, it’s gonna be wonderful!