“It is what it is”

I really used to dislike the phrase, “it is what it is”.  It sounded so defeatist to me, and I just didn’t want to live with that “negative attitude.”   Isn’t it funny how experiences can change our perspective?  If I have learned one thing from 2020 it is that perspective matters….a lot….in how we function in times of chaos and uncertainty.  

I have discovered that there is a significant difference in the energy of “resignation” and “acceptance”.  I have written before about how I’ve learned from some very wise friends in recovery about the power of “acceptance” and how acceptance is the key to serenity.  What I never thought much about before, however, is the difference in the energy of acceptance and resignation.  To me, resignation is the belief that whatever “it is” is how it is always going to be…that there is no chance of change, that the current state is the permanent state.  That is the mindset that I used to ascribe to the phrase “it is what it is”.  I used to believe that uttering those words was signaling my agreement that the current status was the end status.  In many cases, I was unwilling to give that ground…so I fought against the wisdom of the phrase.  

What I’ve learned is that understanding and accepting what “is” is the first step to anything new.  If I am unwilling to define and experience what “is” I am functioning in a state of denial…the refusal to acknowledge the current situation.  If I won’t acknowledge what is, then how can I possibly hope to make any changes or progress?  I think I’ve always known that, I just didn’t put it together with the understanding of the power of acceptance.  

When I accept things as they are, I put myself into perspective in the picture.  I’ve learned that “acceptance” is not the same thing as “agreement” or “approval”.  They are very different energies, and they can all exist at the same time.  What great news!  Here’s what I mean: I can accept that someone has taken an action that is hurtful to me, and still be saddened by it, or angered.  However, when I understand that my sadness or anger doesn’t change the action, it releases me from the need to change or justify the action or even the other person.  This may sound elementary, and many others may have figured this out long ago, but for me, this has been a revolutionary awareness.  

Acceptance also doesn’t mean that I accept responsibility for what is...unless the responsibility is actually mine to claim.  I can accept that someone took actions that had the result of being hurtful to me, and not feel “responsible” for that action.  Again, I know many people that have mastered this, but for this Enneagram 2 (“helper”) this is key learning.  

Once I have accepted what is, I can decide what to do next.  This is where the power lies.  When I understand the current situation, I can decide if there is anything that I need to do, or whether the situation is one of those things that gets added to the “it happened” list without causing me too much heartbreak or angst.  

I’ve also realized that when I can look at my own actions, thoughts, and behaviors with this attitude of acceptance, I have a much better chance of making the changes I want to make.  I can accept that I have made choices that have led to a state of physical limitation, or I have not followed through on things the way I initially intended.  However, if my attitude is not one of resignation, I can identify where I am, accept that is the current state, and then make the decisions necessary to make the changes I desire.  Acceptance allows me to reflect without judgment, and to give myself the grace necessary to make lasting change.  

There have been lots of opportunities to practice acceptance in 2020.  I am determined not to allow the energy of resignation to creep into my thoughts going forward to 2021.  Instead, I’m determined to keep looking at where I am, how I’m doing, and whether I’m on the path that will lead me to where I want to go.  Growing my acceptance muscles will be vital in keeping the mental attitude that I need to make the progress I desire for 2021, and beyond.  

I invite you to join me in growing your acceptance muscles…learning to lean into what is, and looking toward a fantastic new year!  

**ps If you want a copy of my FREE Reflection Guide to help you with the process of reflecting and preparing for a new year, just go to miwreflectionguide.com for your free copy.