I Quit!
I grew up believing the saying: “Winners never quit and Quitters never win”. I don’t know exactly where I first learned it, but it is one of those “truths” that have guided me for as long as I can remember. Now, I don’t want you to think that I never quit, because truth is, I have quit on things, big and small throughout my life, but whenever I did, I felt like I was a “loser”, because, after all….winners don’t quit.
One of the things that I love most about reading is learning to unlearn things. I’ve posted in the past about a book I read recently, called Barking up the Wrong Tree by Eric Barker. It’s a great read, and I highly recommend it, if you are interested in what we know about success, and how some of what we “know” doesn’t actually prove to be true. I love books that ask me to challenge the things that I “know” to be true, to make sure they’re actually true, and that I actually believe them, and this is one of those books.
One of the topics Eric researched was whether it’s true that winners never quit. He found something very interesting to me…. winners DO quit, they just quit differently than others, and they feel differently about quitting. In fact, winners quit on purpose! Eric describes this as “strategic quitting” and it’s the very intentional action of defining those priorities that we are committed to, and then quitting EVERYTHING that doesn’t line up to move us to those priorities. For me, this is revolutionary, and wonderful at the same time.
So, I’ve taken some time to think about how I can incorporate strategic quitting into my life, and I’ve come up with three things I need to quit. I believe that as I continue the practice of regular reflection, I will gain insight into other things I need to quit, but for now, this is a good start….
I need to quit asking permission to be myself. There will be people who don’t agree with me on things, and there will those….gasp…..who don’t like me, for whatever reason. I have spent a lot of time in my life making decisions about my life that I thought would be “acceptable” to other people. And in the last 5 years especially I have done quite a lot of inner work to figure out who I am, and what makes me who I am. I’ve come to recognize that God created me with a whole set of talents, gifts, and quirks….and He did a good job! I will not be everyone’s cup of tea, and that is OK….I need to be who God created me to be because He had a plan for that.
I need to quit trying to control everything. I have this very strong belief that if I am in control of things, they will be ok. I also have plenty of evidence that that is a belief not fully based in fact because lots of things that I’ve been in control of haven’t worked out….but I still cling to this fantasy that control equals ok. What I’ve been learning is that I control from a place of fear. Many times I fear what I don’t know. I’m also learning that a LOT of my stress comes from trying foolishly to abate fear through controlling what I don’t know. That’s a recipe for headaches, sleeplessness, anxiety, and panic. When I finally have begun to admit that I’m not in control of much, I’ve gained freedom from the chains of “control”. What I can control: how I treat others, how I respond to circumstances, who I allow in my hula hoop, what I fill my eyes and mind with. And I’m finding that is plenty to control.
I need to quit worrying about what’s going to happen if….. I know there is a fine line between preparation and panic, and I’m not so good at staying on the right side of the line. I can easily and quickly go to the worst-case scenario of everything. Part of this might be an occupational hazard since as an attorney I’m paid to think about the worst that could happen and then mitigate the possibility of that happening. And while that might work for lawyering, it doesn’t work as well for living. I’ve also been tripped up by the concept of “setting boundaries”. I mixed up “manipulating by threatening” with “clearly stating consequences”, and that has caused me a bunch of stress, especially when parenting. I used to set out the very worst thing that I could imagine that I would do if someone crossed the “boundary” as a way to manipulate them into staying on the “right” side of the line. This quickly leads to “worst-case” living, and it’s exhausting and draining. I’ve learned to determine what things are/are not compatible with the life I want to live and to set boundaries that clearly communicate those things. And the best thing I’ve learned is that I don’t have to set out “pre-determined” consequences for what happens “if/when” someone crosses the “line”. I get to figure that out based on the circumstances IF the line is crossed. What I’ve found is that when people understand what I will/won’t live with, then there is actually LESS chance of big confrontations fraught with stress and tension about enacting the dire/harsh consequences I laid out in order to manipulate someone’s behavior. I can ask God for guidance in all situations, and I’ve never found Him to steer me wrong.
I am excited about this new journey into the land strategic quitting! I invite you to join me in making a list of the things that you can quit in your life. When we take this challenge, we will have the mental clarity and focus to be wildly successful at the things that matter, and that take us closer to being the people we were created to be. We can all become winners who quit!
P.S. If you need a tool to help guide you through reflection on your priorities and things you might want to quit, I developed a reflection guide that will help….just click on the link below to get it for free! https://miwreflectionguide.com/optin