It isn't "constructive"
There is a phrase that I really, really dislike, and have disliked for quite a while….”constructive criticism”. I have often heard this phrase used in conjunction with really harsh words, and it sets my teeth on edge whenever I hear someone say they are “just offering some constructive criticism”. Although this phrase really sat sideways in my soul, I couldn’t, until recently, articulate why it bothered me so deeply.
A couple weeks ago I was reading an article on “how to improve relationships” (because I love reading stuff about “how to” do things that I think are important, and I think improving relationships is really, really important) and I came across a discussion about the difference between complaint and criticism that gave me the words for what I had been feeling all this time. The article pointed out that when we have a complaint, we are dealing with what someone DID that has caused us some sort of angst, discomfort, or upset us in some way. However, vastly different is when we have a criticism….when we criticize we are dealing with who someone IS, and pointing out how HE/SHE falls short. When I read this, I wanted to yell….YES, THIS! (but I was in my office, and I worried that someone might worry about me, so I just yelled it silently! ) This distinction, between someone’s action and someone’s personhood is what has deeply bothered me about this whole concept of “constructively” criticizing someone. I don’t think it is possible to “constructively” point out that someone falls short as a person. In my experience, when someone offers me “constructive criticism” I leave the encounter feeling destructed….with my self-image injured/damaged in a way that doesn’t lead to anything healthy or positive.
I’ve had some recent experiences where I’ve been on the receiving end of some “constructive criticism” and it has left me feeling wounded, unloved, and in some cases, angry and defensive. None of the encounters left me inspired to change, and so I would categorize the conversations as “non-constructive”, rather than “constructive”.
So, what’s my solution? I think the first step is awareness. Whenever I want to change something in my life, my first step is to become more aware of how the issue is affecting me. So, after reading the article, I began to look around and see how criticism was playing out in my life. What I’m noticing is a spirit of criticism in so much that I see on social media (and regular media as well) these days. Last week I saw a challenge on Facebook to go ONE day without criticizing anyone, so I took the challenge to test my “criticism quotient”. I’m not proud of my results…..so far I haven’t been able to go a day without having a critical thought or making a critical comment….although I am much more aware of how quick the critical thought comes, and I am working to acknowledge criticism when it shows up and replace criticism with complaint where appropriate, I know that I have some work to do.
I know that we are to speak “truth” to people, and I know that sometimes the “truth” is that my behavior is less than what I would like it to be. I think the challenge is to define what “truth” is and then to speak that truth IN LOVE. When I look for a model of speaking truth in love, I look to how Jesus treated those who were engaged in behavior that didn’t meet the standard that Jesus upheld. I am encouraged and inspired when I read of how Jesus interacted with people (other than the Pharisees, who he had some pretty harsh words for). I read of a perfect man who never condemned, who affirmed people’s worth and dignity, and who addressed BEHAVIORS, NOT PERSONHOOD. Every time I see Jesus correcting someone’s behavior, He does it with gentleness and kindness, even when He delivers words that the hearer might not have wanted to hear. (I think of how Jesus spoke to Martha when she was complaining about how Mary wasn’t helping her…..He didn’t say, “Martha, stop being a whiner (criticism) or even “Mary, your negative attitude is bringing us all down (“constructive criticism”)….instead he said “Martha, dear Martha, you’re fussing far too much and getting yourself worked up over nothing. One thing only is essential and Mary has chosen it---it’s the main course and it won’t be taken from her.” Luke 10:41-42 THE MESSAGE)
My challenge to myself (and to anyone else who wants to join me on this quest) is to eliminate the critical spirit from my interactions with those around me. When I have a complaint about something that has caused me angst, disappointment, inconvenience, or even anger, to acknowledge that emotion and the action that caused it and address that, without attacking someone’s personhood. For example, when someone cuts me off in traffic, I need to recognize that the person was ACTING inattentively, or even inconsiderately, but that doesn’t mean that the person IS “self-absorbed”, “uncaring”, or “selfish”. When I’m interacting with the people around me, I need to acknowledge that my complaint is usually because I’m not getting something I want….and maybe, just maybe, I don’t need to offer any “constructive criticism” at all. Maybe I can just love people where they are, pray for them, and let Jesus do the work that He is doing in their lives.
I’m going to keep working on getting ONE day without criticism under my belt…..wish me success!