Gone too soon

This past week marked a milestone that I would prefer not to have in my life.  It marked the one year anniversary of the death of a sweet sisterfriend of mine.  She was taken from us way way too soon, and my life is not as rich without her here in it.  To be honest, I’m still a little peeved about the fact that she is gone too soon.  I know that is self-centered and based in my love for her and the fact that I miss her being here in my life, but it’s the honest, real emotion that I feel when I think about this milestone.  It was the emotion that I found bubbling up in the days prior to the milestone day.  

Intellectually, I’ve studied about grief, and I know that it’s not a straight path.  It’s not something you move nicely through on a timed journey with known roadside stops.  Grief, is quite frankly, a bitch.  Grief is sneaky, popping up on you when you least expect it, and relentless at times, when the sadness washes over you and you just feel like you might drown in it.  Something I think I’m learning is that grief never really ends.  I think grief changes over time, and the effects of grief lessen in intensity (most of the time, expect for those sneaky, overwhelming moments).  I think the fact that grief never ends is part of what makes us human, and is evidence of our connectedness.  

I’ve learned a couple things about grief in the last few years.  The first thing I’ve learned is that I don’t really know how to do it “well”.  We learn about a lot of things as children and young (and over older) people, but we don’t learn about grief.  In fact, in many cases, we try to avoid talking about it at all.  I don’t think that is helpful, since we will all face it at some point, and knowing about grief helps us maneuver (and survive) it.  The other thing that I learned is what I already mentioned, and that is that we don’t “get over it” when someone we love dies.  And that is a really good thing, in my opinion.  I don’t ever want to “get over” what I learned from my friend in our all too brief time together in this life.  I want to remember her, and what she taught me.  I want to remember how she lit up a room when she arrived, and how she always, always, made sure to shine her light on others.  I want to remember how she dealt with frustration and hard situations that we worked through together.  Most of all I want to remember how she made me feel….loved, appreciated, important to her.  

And so, I will continue to grieve for my friend, and I will also continue to celebrate her and all she meant to me and those who knew and loved her.  And, next year, when the milestone arrives again, I expect I’ll feel some of these same feelings, and maybe some new ones, too…..and that is part of loving someone.  

You are loved, Kristi, and you are missed, and we will never be quite the same without you, but we are sure better off because we knew you!